How to Discipline Your Kids Without Regret: 4 Proven Strategies for Parents

By Caleb Roose

Photo by Вячеслав Ткачёв

Being a dad is the most challenging and rewarding role I've ever had.

There are those picture-perfect moments, like when my kids sprint toward me shouting "Daddy!" as I walk through the door, and I spin them around like we're in a Hallmark movie.

And then there are the other moments—one kid screaming, another in tears, while my third tugs at my pant leg begging to be picked up. In these overwhelming moments, I'm tempted to shout:

"Everybody just be quiet!"

But through some trial and error (that I don't recommend), I've discovered this reaction solves nothing.

Does it stop the chaos? Sure—for a moment. 

But instead of being the steady leader who helps my children navigate their struggles well, I become like a lid on a boiling pot. The steam disappears momentarily, but that heat has to go somewhere.

The result? My kids don’t learn how to navigate their emotions or work through conflict. Instead, they learn to stuff their feelings and build resentment. 

I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to be the dad who just reacts and clamps a lid on my kids’ chaos. I want to be the dad who guides them through their emotional and relational storms and helps them grow. 

Sound impossible? It's not.

After years of studying and practicing research-based approaches to discipline, I've found a better way to guide my kids without losing my cool or ending up with regret.

Here are four simple yet powerful strategies to help you stay calm, set limits, and discipline your kids in a way that strengthens rather than damages your relationship:

1. Take a Breath Before You React

In their book No Drama Discipline, Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson explain that the Latin root of the word "discipline" means "to teach" (not “punish”). The problem with "discipline" in the heat of the moment is that we're usually not teaching—we're reacting to stress.

When our kids are screaming, hitting, or throwing tantrums, our brains can easily shift into fight-or-flight mode. Reacting from this limited mental state prevents us from teaching our children anything (except unintentional lessons like "Dad is scary" or "My emotions are too overwhelming for Dad to handle").

Our kids need more than our fight-or-flight responses to their big feelings.

So how do we move from reactive to responsive parenting?

What initially transformed my approach is this simple three-step process: pause, breathe, and reflect before responding.

This small shift makes a huge difference. It helps me recognize my emotions and maintain self-control—which ultimately makes it easier to guide my kids through their feelings as well.

2. Get Below Their Eye Level to Create Safety

We’re not the only ones who can get caught in fight-or-flight thinking. When my kids have misbehaved and I’ve jumped in to “fix” the situation, I used to interpret their defiance or retreat as deliberate disobedience. But I've learned that when they're upset, they're usually not choosing to disobey me—their brains are simply overwhelmed.

So standing over them, raising my voice, or appearing intimidating doesn't help them listen better—it actually makes it harder.

(Think about it: If you made a big mistake and were stressed at work and a 9-foot-tall giant towered over you, wagging his finger and yelling at you to "Calm down!"—would that help? That's how our kids feel when we discipline them through intimidation.)

(Thanks to Siegel and Bryson's book) I’ve now learned to not only get down to my children's eye level when they're upset—I position myself below it.

Getting below your kid’s eye level subconsciously signals to their brain that you’re not a threat. This seemingly minor adjustment has transformed how my kids respond. Instead of feeling threatened, they begin to calm down and feel safe. And when they feel safe, they become far more capable of listening and learning—which is what discipline is all about.

3. Seek Understanding and Narrate What's Happening 

After taking a breath and getting below their eye level, it’s time to focus on understanding the situation and narrating what's happening to help your kids develop self-awareness. 

When young kids are upset or are throwing a tantrum, they often don’t understand what they're experiencing or why. They're stuck in their feelings with little to no perspective. They need someone (you) to help them make sense of their experience.

By asking questions to gather context (so you don't unintentionally make the situation worse) and then describing your child's emotions and the circumstances surrounding them, you can help them process what's happening. Narrating gives your kids the words they don’t yet have, which both helps them feel understood and makes it easier for them to better respond to the current situation (and eventually manage their emotions more skillfully in the future).

What does this look like in practice?

Imagine you're cleaning up after dinner when you hear a crash in another room, followed by shouts from one child and crying from another. You rush to find blocks scattered across the floor.

What's your next move?

First, pause, breathe, and reflect. 

Next, get below their eye level. 

Then, calmly ask questions to gather enough information to understand the situation and  narrate what's happening.

After understanding the situation, you might say: "I can understand you're angry that she knocked over the castle you were building. And I understand you knocked his castle down because you felt hurt when he didn't want to play with you."

(Note: For sibling conflicts, ensure each child has an uninterrupted opportunity to share their perspective. This demonstrates that you're there for both of them and aren't taking sides. Even when one child is clearly at fault, both kids need to feel understood.)

This listening-then-narrating approach helps children better understand their emotions and actions, giving them tools to makes things right in the moment and manage themselves more effectively in the future.

4. Hold the Line With Firm But Fair Boundaries

While helping your kids feel understood is crucial, it's not enough on its own.

As parents, one of the biggest struggles can be finding a balance between empathy and limit setting.

Depending on which direction you lean, you might worry that if you empathize, your kids will walk all over you, or that if you strictly enforce the rules, your kids won’t love you. The good news: you don’t have to pick between empathy and boundaries. Your kids need both. 

Returning to our sibling conflict example, we left both children feeling more understood and aware of their emotions. But effective discipline requires clear limits.

To the sister who destroyed her brother's block castle, you might say: "I understand you felt sad when he didn't want to play with you. That's really hard. But it's not okay to break something, even when you're upset."

To the brother who rejected his sister, you could say: "It makes sense that you're frustrated about your castle. What she did wasn't right. I also want you to think about kinder ways to tell your sister you need some alone time."

This empathy-with-boundaries approach teaches kids that while all emotions are acceptable, certain behaviors are not—without resorting to yelling or harsh punishments.

Discipline That Leaves No Regret

Even while I’ve learned a ton over the past 8+ years as a dad, I still make mistakes. I still lose my patience. But these four strategies have helped me stay calmer, connect with my kids, and discipline them in a way that feels right for all of us. And over the years, I’ve noticed how we’re all reaping the benefits—individually and as a family. 

So the next time you're about to react to your kids, remember:

✔ Take a breath before you respond. 

✔ Get below their eye level to create safety. 

✔ Listen and narrate what's happening to build their emotional intelligence. 

✔ Hold firm, fair limits to guide their future behavior.

Remember: discipline isn't just about correcting behavior—it's about shaping your relationship with your kids and influencing who they become.

And when you approach discipline with calm, connection, and clarity, you won't merely avoid regret—you'll build relationships that last a lifetime.

Need Help Turning This Disipline Approach into Habit?

Sign up for a free Discovery Coaching Call. I've developed a 4-step process that can help you go from fight-or-flight discipline to responsive discipline in just 3 short months. As a certified and experienced coach, I'd love to help you be the Dad you've always wanted to be.