Managing dad stress: Proven techniques to stay calm in the heat of the moment

By Caleb Roose

Photo by Sander Sammy

Why is my baby screaming?

Why am I so stressed out by it?

What’s going on?!

Whether your kids are young or old, I’m sure you can relate.

Perhaps you’re dealing with behavior issues, you’re caring for a sick or special needs child, or you’re struggling to balance work and family life—or any combination of other fatherhood challenges.

Being a dad can quickly become overwhelming.

And, in the heat of the moment, it can be all too easy to react in ways we later regret.

Your kid does something they know they shouldn’t do, and you snap at them.

You’re so focused on caring for your most demanding kid that your other child’s needs are pushed to the wayside.

Your boss or spouse questions your level of contribution and you turn into a defense attorney.

Dad stress is real. The question is: What do we do when we face these challenges?

While every situation is unique, it’s important in nearly every case to respond to the situation instead of react.

With one exception.

Respond vs React

In life and parenthood, there are times when reacting to a situation is exactly what’s needed.

Your toddler is about to put a fork in an electric socket.

Your kid is about to run into the street.

Your teenager is veering into oncoming traffic.

In each of these situations, your instantaneous reaction to protect and avoid danger is a God-given instinct.

Yet this same reactivity isn’t needed or helpful in most other, non-life threatening situations. In most fatherhood challenges, responding—not reacting—is the necessary approach.

Want a way to remember the difference?

React to danger.

Respond to your child.

Responding well to your in the heat of the moment

Responding to your child involves being aware of yourself and your child, considering the options for how to engage, and then thoughtfully putting one of those options into action.

I know—easier said than done. So it’s important to have strategies that make responding (as opposed to reacting) more possible.

Here are 3 simple, yet effective steps that can help you move from fight or flight to your wiser and calmer self:

1. Pause

2. Breathe

3. Reflect

1) Pause

Pausing is a crucial step to responding. If you manage to put even just a few seconds of space between whatever triggers you and your reaction—that’s a huge win. In doing so, you’ll exponentially increase the odds of responding better than you would have otherwise.

So the next time your baby is screaming or your teenager talks back, just pause. Resist the temptation to react immediately; because after all, no one is in imminent danger (but if it truly is an emergency, feel free to react!).

2) Breathe

As cliché as it sounds, paying attention to and slowing down your breath is an important and proven method to calm down our nervous systems. Why not use it? After pausing, focus on your breath. If your child asks what you’re doing, say you just need a minute. After a few slow, calm breaths, you may be surprised how quickly your perception of the situation changes and your ability to recognize what your child is experiencing increases.

3) Reflect

After pausing and breathing, it’s time to reflect. Take a moment to consider what is going on for your child. Why might they be behaving this way? What’s the bigger picture? Consider the range of options for how you might respond. Perhaps asking a question would diffuse the situation, or offering to get them something to eat if they’re hangry (i.e. hungry + angry), or letting them know you’re not able to help them right now as it’s their brother or sister’s turn to have your attention. By taking a step back to reflect before engaging, you’re more likely to respond in a way that you’ll feel good about both now and in the future (and the same goes for your conversations with your boss and partner!).

Then, after pausing, breathing, and reflecting, it’s time to respond. You may not get it exactly right, but you’ll be in a much healthier space to engage your child more thoughtfully than you were before.

So what are the 3 steps to help you better respond to nearly every stressful situation?

P B R

1) Pause

2) Breathe

3) Reflect

Give it a try, and if you found this post out helpful, share it with a dad you know (just click on one of the links at the bottom)!

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